comicbooks

We’ll be getting back to the Ultimate vs Marvel throw downs on Monday.  I’m thinking it is time to pit Fantastic Four against Fantastic Four.  Feel free to suggest your own future ideas for Ultimate vs Marvel slobber knockers in the comment box below.  Who have we missed?  Dr. Doom?  Yeah, he’s coming up right after the FFs square off.

For now, check out this hilarious video that looks at how Superman would really fit into Batman’s world. 

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1884973

None of this ‘equally matched’ crap that DC has been foisting on us for decades.  Superman is super.  Batman is a guy in a mask.  These guys get it right with a great sense of humor.  (No, I’m not affiliated with whoever made this.  I just stumbled across it online & thought it was worth sharing.) 

The Main Marvel Universe Colossus can transform his body into living organic metal, is insanely strong, and likes women.  He was dead once, but that hardly even slowed him down.

The Ultimate Colossus can likewise transform into living organic metal.  Ultimate Colossus may just be the stronger of the two.  He put a pretty good whooping on Thor in Ultimate X-Men.  But his strength is not part of his mutation, rather it comes from his use of a highly addictive drug called “Banshee”.  He’s also as gay as he could be.   

Really, though, if you had to judge by looking at their costumes, who would you think is the gay Colossus?  I’m just saying.

Winner – MMU Colossus

Tomorrow – Cable!

The Main Marvel Universe Wolverine is over one hundred years old.  He’s a mutant with enhanced healing and senses as well as claws.  He was eventually was captured by the shady Weapon X program which laced his skeleton with adamantium, rendering his bones unbreakable.  His memory was impaired by constant tampering coupled with his healing factor working to cover up painful memories.  After M-Day, he inexplicably recovered all his memories, making him madder and more dangerous than ever.

The Ultimate Wolverine is not quite as old as his MMU counterpart.  He was a young soldier in World War Two who got busted (along with a young Nick Fury) for profiteering.  He was turned over to the Canadian government’s super soldier program (Weapon X) and TURNED INTO the ultimate universe’s first mutant.  He became mutant patient zero, somehow spreading mutation to others.  He later escaped, diddled Magneto’s wife, went to work for Magneto, infiltrated the X-Men, diddled a too young Jean Grey, reformed, tried to kill Cyclops, and reformed some more.   

Winner – MMU Wolverine.  He’s the best there is at what he does.

Tomorrow - Colossus

Spider-Man is one of the great characters in all of comics.  Whether in the comics, movies, or animation, Spider-Man has broad appeal from the youngest readers to the oldest movie goers.  He’s the character that launched the Ultimate universe, and the writer (the great Brian Michael Bendis) had the good sense to not tamper too much with Spidey’s classic origin. 

The thing about Ultimate Spidey is that he has less water under the bridge than his Main Marvel Universe counterpart.  The MMU Spidey has a lot of history that has been too often rejiggered of late.  The One More Day storyline, which wiped out his twenty years of marriage to Mary Jane, decisively drops MMU Spidey below the Ultimate variety.

Winner – Ultimate Spider-Man

Tomorrow - Wolverine

Confession time.  I thought I would have read Ultimate Captain America Annual #1 by now, but I haven’t.  I don’t know the deal with Ultimate Black Panther.

MMU Black Panther is the King of Wakanda.  He’s eats certain ‘herbs’ that give him enhanced strength, agility, and senses.  He deflowered Storm when she was thirteen years old.  Years later, (15?  20?) he married her.  He is the first prominent black superhero in modern comics.  That’s about it.

Ultimate Black Panther was revealed in one of the worst ‘surprises’ in recent memory, to be Ultimate Captain America.  The clues were so obvious that no one could have been surprised.  No good reason was given for the disguise.  In fact, no reason was given, period.  Ultimate Origins has shown a character the presumably will be the real Ultimate Black Panther, who is sort of a black Wolverine.  A shortage of information of Ultimate Black Panther knocks him out of the running.

Winner – MMU Black Panther

Tomorrow – Spider-Man!

Thor is one of my favorite characters.  In any incarnation, he’s cool.  The god among men thing, the hammer, the warrior-born – Thor is a character that just rocks.  This is going to be a tough call.

The Main Marvel Universe (MMU) Thor is currently the ruler of Asgard, which he relocated to Oklahoma (natch).  Thor is among the most powerful characters in the MMU, recently dispatching Iron Man with almost no effort.  He did just get his Asgardian butt whooped by the Red Hulk, though. 

For a while, it was unclear whether or not Ultimate Thor was the real deal.  That was resolved by the end of Ultimates II and he is indeed a Norse god and the son of Odin.  Ultimate Thor has a cooler hammer than MMU Thor, but he got his head handed to him by Ultimate Gay Colossus and Ultimate Magneto dropped him twice without working up a sweat (and took his hammer, to boot).

Ultimate Thor has no alter ego, while MMU Thor keeps in touch with his humanity by sharing his existence with mortal Don Blake.  MMU Thor is currently available, ladies.  Ultimate Thor is shacking up with 19 year old ultra-hottie Valkyrie. 

Winner – MMU Thor.  I almost called this one a push, but the J. Michael Strazynski factor nudges MMU Thor ahead.

Tomorrow – Jean Grey (Marvel Girl, Phoenix)   

 The Main Marvel Universe (MMU) Wasp is Janet Van Dyne, rich pampered lush who is occasionally portrayed as a leader but is mostly just there.  She got her powers from her sometimes husband Hank Pym.  For a while she looked something like a giant alien wasp, but that went away.  Her main contributions to the MMU are: drunkenly reminding the Scarlet Witch that she used to have children, inadvertently causing the whole House of M fiasco; drunkenly hooking up with Hawkeye while she was still married to Hank; and drunkenly packing up and leaving her husband in the middle of the night, giving the Skrull the opening they needed to replace him.   

The Ultimate Wasp is a mutant.  Her DNA was the key to her husband perfecting his size changing formula.  Sometimes she’s Asian, sometimes she isn’t.  She’s always hot, though.  The Ultimate Wasp is also the current leader of the Ultimates. 

Advantage: Ultimate Wasp by a landslide

Tomorrow: THOR!    

Hank Pym is kind of a tool.  MMU Hank has anger management issues that lead to him becoming the violent Yellow Jacket for a while.  He was so insecure that he built a robot to attack the Avengers just so he could look like a hero.  He built Ultron, which didn’t turn out so well for anyone.  He’s been in an on again off again relationship with the Wasp for years, until she recently dumped his uptight butt.

Ultimate Hank has anger management issues that lead him to smack his wife around.  He was so insecure that he couldn’t handle the success of anyone around him & turned to drugs.  He built Ultron, which didn’t work out well for anyone. 

MMU Hank has been Goliath, Giant Man, Yellow Jacket, and Ant-Man.  Ultimate Hank has only been Giant Man and Ant-Man. 

I’m not very fond of either version.  The best I can say is that at least MMU Hank didn’t help create the Hulk.  He also didn’t spare the Hulk’s life when theworld could finally have been rid of him.  Bottom line - MMU Hank sucks slightly less than Ultimate Hank.

Winner - MMU Hank Pym

Tomorrow - Wasp!

Just something I was thinking about today:  What are the most iconic objects in all of comicdom?  What tangible non-living things most strongly represent all that we love about comics?  I’m not talking about insider stuff like the cosmic cube.  And costumes don’t count.  I’m thinking of truly iconic objects that transcend into the mainstream.

Captain America’s shield, for sure.  Thor’s hammer is a no brainer.  Some piece of bat-equipment deserves to be on the list: maybe the batmobile or a batarang.