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Final Crisis #5 was the least convoluted and confusing issue to date, which is a little bit like saying that Katrina was the least destructive category five hurricane to hit New Orleans a couple years back.

I’m still shelling out four bucks a pop for this mess, but I don’t know why.   Wonder Woman, the character featured on the cover, appears only briefly in the comic, and only in possessed by Darkseid, female fury form.  Superman was removed from the fray a couple of issues back and has yet to return.  Batman is nowhere to be seen.  But don’t worry, we’ve got… Frankenstein on our side?

Even with the big bad Darkseid enslaving half the planet, this just doesn’t feel Crisis-y enough.  One major reason is the aforementioned absence of Superman.

Two more issues.  I really hope something happens.  Something big.  Something that makes me say ‘wow’.  Something that would fit in oh, say, Secret Invasion.  At least Superman Beyond #2 comes out next month.  Although it has been so long since I read #1 that I forget what’s happening over there.

DC, oh DC.  How I miss the good old days.  The John Byrne era when Superman was the last son of Krypton.  The reinvention of the Dark Knight.  The magnificent seven Justice League.  Now all you seem to do is retread the silver age and indulge writers whose egos have outgrown their mass appeal.

Dare I hope that the ‘new’ Batman will take us into new territory?  Speaking of which, tomorrow we’ll dish about the simply awful new Batman: the Brave and the Bold animated series.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Ultimate vs Marvel comparison to bring you this review of Final Crisis #4.  In a word: “huh?”  After reading this book, all I can do is shake my head and ask “what is happening here?”  A month has passed (I think) since last issue, and the world has fallen to Darkseid.  Except that Darkseid hasn’t done anything, can’t do anything, because he is busy fighting to get himself reborn in Dan Turpin’s body.

The world’s greatest superheroes appear to be trapped in a giant glass bottle in the Hall of Justice, while the world’s OKest heroes (Green Arrow, Black Canary, the Ray, Tattooed Man, the Flash Kids, and Oracle) ignore them and develop battle plans with the other surviving heroes from their six secret bases around the world.

Barry Allen, the original Flash, was reconstituted from some random molecules, or something such, and uses his super kissing power (ala Superman II) to rescue his wife Iris from the anti-life equation.  Superman is off in another dimension still (in Superman Beyond) while also simultaneously visiting  the 30^th Century (in Legion of Three Worlds) and being trapped in the aforementioned giant bottle. 

I just don’t get it.      

Tomorrow: Ultimate Colossus vs the Main Marvel Universe Colossus

As the summer mega-crossover events wind down, let’s take a moment to try to predict how things may shake out.

Final Crisis:

Lois will be fine.  He life-threatening injury will be healed (by the menstruum, natch) with no lingering effects.

Darkseid will be defeated & all of machinations will be undone with no lingering effects.

The Legion of Three Worlds event will end with a dead Superboy.

Superman Beyond will be a standalone story that will have no impact on anything.

Barry Allen will re-die in a heroic act of self-sacrifice. 

Secret Invasion:

The heroes will lose.  Earth will be occupied by the Skrull.  (OK, I’m going out on a limb here, but what fun are predictions if you don’t take a chance?)

Nobody significant will die.

Nick Fury’s new team will get their own book, which will suck & be cancelled within two years.

Kate whats-her-name will give up the Hawkeye mantle and Clint Barton will return to his roots.  (No, I don’t really believe that will happen.  Just wishful thinking.)

Relatively Spoiler-Free

In the latest issue of Final Crisis, Superman’s role was reduced to sitting by the bedside of his critically injured wife, using his heat-vision to keep her heart beating.  A mysterious woman arrived and offered the means to cure Lois if Superman would go with her…

Superman Beyond 3D opens with the same scene (well, after a quick scene of Superman being beaten to a pulp by an unknown villain who refers to Superman’s “Cosmic Armor”, which he does not appear to be wearing).

The mystery woman turns out to be a Monitor of Nil, and she claims to be taking Superman on a mission to save all of existence.  Along with our Superman, she has recruited Ultraman (a bad version of Superman from Earth–3, where evil always triumphs over good), Overman (a German-speaking Superman from Earth-10, where the Nazis won WWII), Captain Marvel (the Fawcet Comics variety from Earth-5), and The Quantum Superman (Captain Allen Adam from Earth-4.  He’s a cross between Captain Atom from Charlton Comics and his pastiche in an alternate DC reality, Captain Manhattan).

While attempting to stop an out of control reality-spanning ship, they end up in Limbo, trapped in a world where they will soon forget everything and be forgotten.  There they find a book with an infinite number of pages, all occupying the same space - every book possible contained in one volume.

This is only a two-part series, and the first issue is just barely getting us set up for the action.  Other than the strange little ‘fast forward’ at the beginning, the big bad does not make an appearance in the book.  Though anytime you’ve got Ultraman and a Vampiric Monitor (that’s right) running around, you’re set for some solid conflic.  This is what the main Final Crisis has lacked so far.  A multiverse-spanning epic featuring the greatest heroes of their worlds.

Unlike Final Crisis proper, I’m eagerly awaiting the next issue of FC: SB 3D.

Normally, I spend most of my reviews talking about story & maybe touch on the art at the end if it is especially good or especially bad.  But when the comic involves George Perez and huge number of characters and group shots, I’ve got to lead with: Wow!  This book is beautiful.

With that aside, it’s also a good read.  Very good, even.  Geoff Johns handles the task of laying out the Legion’s fifty year history in comics amazingly well.  This is a long book with lots of talking head moments, but somehow the story continuously moves forward.  The fantastic art doesn’t hurt a bit in that department, either.

My only complaint about this book is the leap of logic that brings in the Legions of three worlds.  I think I can safely mention this without spoiling anything since it is kind of inherent in the title of the book.  But it goes something like this:

Superman: “Superboy-Prime is a bad me from another universe.”

Brainiac 5: “Well, then, the only logical response is for us to recruit two additional Legions of Superheroes from alternate universes to fight him.”

Honestly, it isn’t much smoother than that.  It did give Perez the chance to draw two full-page spreads of the alternate Legions, which is a good thing.  I can over look that one contrived moment (even though it is the set up for the entire series) as long as the writing and art continue to be this strong. 

Frankenstein?  SHADE?  The Super-Happy-Japanese-Hero-Team?  What is going on here? 

As Final Crisis rolls on, you need an advanced degree in Grant Morrison-ology with a minor in Jack Kirby-ism just to keep up.  Morrison is a great writer, but it seems like DC has given him a little bit too much creative freedom for self-indulgence lately.  Don’t even get me started on the insensible quagmire that is Batman R.I.P.. 

But back to the Crisis at hand.  There is some really good stuff here, and some really self-referential non-sense here, too.  I like the appearance of an alternate universe Supergirl.  That feels like a Multiversal Crisis kind of a thing.  The fight between Mary Marvel and Wonder Woman was good stuff. 

But if you’re going to turn MM into a bad girl, why give her such a hideous hairdo?  Comics 101 – bad girls in revealing tight black outfits should be nice to look at, not mostly bald with weird pink ponytails.  Now that I’m on the subject of MM, I wonder if she is bad for good now, or if this will be some soon-forgotten mind control deal.  Her descent to badness was played out inconsistently in Countdown, so I just don’t know what to make of her at this point.  My vote would be to keep her bad.

One final thought – if Superman’s heat vision is the only thing keep Lois alive (don’t ask me how), then how can he leave her to run off with Weird Robe Woman to save her?  I get that Darkseid’s plan is to take the best of all the heroes out of the fight, but I sure hope he finds his way back.  In the end, the resolution to both of the previous Crisis’ came down to a Superman.  It would be a letdown if he is nowhere to be seen when the Final Crisis comes to a close.